i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
