I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
