Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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