he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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