i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
