If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
