my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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