Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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