I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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