I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
