I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
