worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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