The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
