You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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