Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
