so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
