so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
