I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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