I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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