I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
