I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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