I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
