It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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