Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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