Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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