she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
