: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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