I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
