while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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