life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
