You're a womanizer and a bitch.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
