Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
