i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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