nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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