Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
