He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize