Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
