you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
