Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
