after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize