Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
