Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
