im about as happy as oj after his trial
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
