the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
