just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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