i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
