The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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