My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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