he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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