Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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