It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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