I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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