You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
