there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
