I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
