Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
