Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
