I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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