I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
