A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
