The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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