I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
